July: Its only the worst month ever

So this summer has had more downs than ups. And this month has been the worst month ever, but also the best month ever. I found out that i do have best friends, people that are gonna be there when i need them, and then i have the friends who are fun to chill around and go and party with.

Those best friends are in that picture over there

<<>Ericca, Blake and Taylor are the best friends. :D and if you couldnt tell im the jackass with the towel half hanging off my body lmao

This month, i was put through alot of things, some things i just dont think i ever want to go through again, and makes me afraid that ill get hurt again. which is just something i dont want to do. Ive always worn my heart on my sleeve which is a really bad thing. And you'd figure after

the first couple times of having my heart ripped out of my chest and thrown on the floor, id stop wearing it on my sleeve, but i guess im that person that just never learns. Im just a sucker for love i guess.

Then on top of that, which makes me not want to get hurt again, i found this amazing guy. he's practically perfect. we have everything in common and ive never met someone who iv

e had everything in common with before. he makes me smile even though ive had my heart ripped out of my chest once again and then ripped into little pieces on the floor. i guess he sees through those imperfect pieces of broken heart, and wants to help put them back together. i never thought something good could come from something bad like what happened to me. and i honestly never thought i could find someone so good in this horrible town where all the guys want is sex. He's a phrat boy yeah, but i think i can trust him. i know i can trust him actually. he always has the right things to say and it makes me happy. i blush and smile all the time when im around him, and when he holds me i fit into his arms perfectly, my fingers fit into his perfectly. I think i might be falling for him. Once again, another painful factor of wearing my heart on my sleeve..

hopefully i wont get broken again.....

2009 Vans Warped Tour!!!!!!

Warped Tour was fucking amazing. I've never had so much fun in my entire life! I saw most of my favorite bands like Chiodos, The Devil Wears Prada, The Maine, Escape The Fate, Underoath, Brokencyde and a few other bands that i never heard of before, but were really good either way. We came a little late and it was really depressing cause my cousin and I missed Breathe Carolina. =[ Even though that happened i still had alot of fun anyway and joined in on my first mosh pit! hahah omg it was so much fun and now im even more excited for Mayhem Festival!!!!!

BLAH

So,sometimes I feel like I'm the only person in my area who actually thinks about things and knows what half of these wanna-have-problems people are going through half the time. I tell them I can help cause I know what their going through and then all of a sudden I don't know what their going through and I don't know what it feels like. Shocking news people, I actually do.

I havent talked to my dad in 4 or 5 years because he decided that one day he didn't want anything to do with me. At least he said it right to my face that he didn't want me anymore. Oh wait! Nope. It was over the god damn phone. He goes away and takes my two younger brothers and starts hitting them alot. Actually kicking my youngest brother in the chest and theres NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. I practically raised those boys. I learned how to make a pb&j sandwich for them when I was 6. 6 year olds should not have to cook, but hey, I did because I loved them. I got them up in the morning & fed them breakfast. Played with them and fed them lunch. If they had homework we would do that and get it out of the way. I'd give them dinner half the time because my dad was either driving trucks for Best Buy or the security guard for Best Buy. And people say my life is perfect and awesome.

But yet theres more. I moved back to Washington Township (or washington twat ship. either one) and moved back into the house that I lived in before I moved to PA. and the god damn house is falling apart. I have a room I cant move around in because its so small and my mom's boyfriend who thinks he's my dad and grounds me whenever he feels like it. Yeah. I have such a perfect life. Let me tell you. My boyfriend once called my house the dumpster with shutters. That should tell you how bad it is.

Oh then they bitch and moan about their grades and how their parents will kill them if they dont get anything above a C. Yeah well my family expets me to get straight A's and the occasional B. and when I don't, its like the fucking apocalypse is coming and God's going to smite us all. My grandmom and my mom expect so much from me because "she went to college and has a masters degree in computer sience and works for the goverment in medical studies." I'm sorry I'm not the perfect child that you would LOVE for me to be. I was under so much stress for my sophmore year that I ended up going into the hospital because the amount of stress I was under started to affect my health and I almost passed out going down the I-pod stairwell steps, and then get bitched at because I didn't do well and they want me to put the stress aside and just concentrate. Yeah how do you expect someone to concentrate when people she cares about are putting the most stress and pressure on her then she can possibly take. Its just not fucking possible. And people say I have a perfect life.

My own dad blames me for the death of his mother and his best friend/my godfather. My grandmom died when I was like 5 and he took out the fact that she died on me. It was all my fault because I was closer to his own mother than he was to her. AND it was all my fault because my godfather died while trying to save his house from burning down. He was a volunteer fire fighter and I was extremely close to him; so its all my fault he died. At least according to my dad it is.

And my life is so absolutely perfect. Yeah. I'd love for it to be perfect where I get everything I want like the spoiled bitches in my school do. If you can read this and not get depressed from it; Congratulations. And if you read this, I'd like an outside opinion on how my life is perfect.

k thanks.

So yeah

So I'm at ericca's house and everything is just kinda like iuno. frustrating and UGH. ill write more tomorrow but yeah

Finally Summer Got Better!

So, yeah. The picture to the left of this is me trying to get my friend to laugh. The first time she did it with me but Drue wanted to get a picture of it off his webcam and made us do it again which then lead to Ericca getting camera shy. LOL. I slept over this girls house pretty much all last week. Wednesday-Saturday :) . It was really alot of fun, and we're gonna do it again next week after the 4th of July! =D She's my best friend, and pretty much sister/twin. We do pretty much everything together and always have fun doing it. Thursday she had school and left me home alone =[ and then when she came back all we did was sit on the computer. She flirted with the random guys on Myyearbook.com and I talked to my boyfriend on the webcam. :) Friday was pretty much the same thing except around 7-ish we went to the local shows, which again was pretty awesome. She got with this kid Mark who isn't really a random kid because we both already knew him. We came home around 11 and she went to bed around like....I don't know..12-ish? We were both kinda high cause pretty much everyone there was smoking pot :) I went to bed around 1-ish maybe and went home the next day =[

Fed up....

For some odd reason, I've come to a horrible realization. That no matter what I do to try to make things better; things just get worse. I have all these friends who have nice things and clean homes....and...I dont know... I just wish that I could have those things. Because...my house...its not like my friends houses. =[ They all have those nice things, those things that I'll never have. They have nice houses, that when you use more than one appliance the electricity goes out to the entire kitchen except one plug. Their families are doing so good. Yet, mine, no one has a job but my mom's boyfriend, who in 2 weeks is getting kicked out.

I slept over my friends house and just completely forgot about my life at my house...then came back home and...was actually shocked at what I saw when I walked in the door. The picture in this blog, thats an actual smile. I was actually happy. I was away from home and didn't have to put on a fake smile. I had fun, I didnt have to worry about the things I have to worry about. I actually felt like...just happy. I could actually be a teenager and not have to worry about making dinner and taking care of myself. God, I could actually be care free and be myself. I didn't have to be an adult at the age of 16, where at home.. I have to act like I'm more of an adult then my own mother. Where's being a teenager in that?

All the pictures up on myspace that aren't of me at home, those are painted on smiles, just for the rest of the world to see "that pretty smiling face of mine." I'm never happy at home. Just miserable, they wonder why I never come out of my room.

The rest of my summer will now consist of "cleaning the house and making it liveable." As my mom said. This house honestly will never be "liveable" its just impossible. No one in this house wants to do anything. They just sit around like a bunch of lards, waiting for the mess to clean itself up, which, we all know wont happen. I just don't understand it.. I can't take it anymore. I'm so done cleaning up after 3 adults and myself.

To sum it up, my house is like a fucking dumpster with shudders. And I live in a hell that I just can't take anymore.

Question, What are you supposed to do when your automatically made the bad guy in a relationship? You try to talk things through, understand, figure it out together; but when you do that the significant other flips out. I've been trying to figure out how I'm the bad guy for doing such a thing.

I was told by a friend of mine that my other friend saw my boyfriend cheat on me. I told my boyfriend that I had to talk to him about something and when I told him what it was I had to talk to him about, he freaked out on me saying "I can believe anyone I want" and so on and so forth. Then after that I went back to the person who was with him and asked them what happened that day and then asked him if my boyfriend cheated on me and he said no. I'm still really confused, but I really do believe my boyfriend. But now he's pissed off at me and I've apologized about a half a dozen times to him since last night.

Now when he calls me, hes all angry, and I dont know if it's because he's trying to look tough because he's with his friend or if its because he's still pissed off at me. I really don't want to loose him. I mean, its only been 2 months, yes, but I do really care about him. I don't know how I'm made the bad person for just wanting to talk to him about something that I thought was important. =[

I don't understand why things have to be so confusing and frustrating. I just wish I knew what he was thinking and I wish he would just listen. =/ Hopefully I get to see him Monday after he gets done work. At least then I'll know if everything is alright or not. =[