Fed up....

For some odd reason, I've come to a horrible realization. That no matter what I do to try to make things better; things just get worse. I have all these friends who have nice things and clean homes....and...I dont know... I just wish that I could have those things. Because...my house...its not like my friends houses. =[ They all have those nice things, those things that I'll never have. They have nice houses, that when you use more than one appliance the electricity goes out to the entire kitchen except one plug. Their families are doing so good. Yet, mine, no one has a job but my mom's boyfriend, who in 2 weeks is getting kicked out.

I slept over my friends house and just completely forgot about my life at my house...then came back home and...was actually shocked at what I saw when I walked in the door. The picture in this blog, thats an actual smile. I was actually happy. I was away from home and didn't have to put on a fake smile. I had fun, I didnt have to worry about the things I have to worry about. I actually felt like...just happy. I could actually be a teenager and not have to worry about making dinner and taking care of myself. God, I could actually be care free and be myself. I didn't have to be an adult at the age of 16, where at home.. I have to act like I'm more of an adult then my own mother. Where's being a teenager in that?

All the pictures up on myspace that aren't of me at home, those are painted on smiles, just for the rest of the world to see "that pretty smiling face of mine." I'm never happy at home. Just miserable, they wonder why I never come out of my room.

The rest of my summer will now consist of "cleaning the house and making it liveable." As my mom said. This house honestly will never be "liveable" its just impossible. No one in this house wants to do anything. They just sit around like a bunch of lards, waiting for the mess to clean itself up, which, we all know wont happen. I just don't understand it.. I can't take it anymore. I'm so done cleaning up after 3 adults and myself.

To sum it up, my house is like a fucking dumpster with shudders. And I live in a hell that I just can't take anymore.

Question, What are you supposed to do when your automatically made the bad guy in a relationship? You try to talk things through, understand, figure it out together; but when you do that the significant other flips out. I've been trying to figure out how I'm the bad guy for doing such a thing.

I was told by a friend of mine that my other friend saw my boyfriend cheat on me. I told my boyfriend that I had to talk to him about something and when I told him what it was I had to talk to him about, he freaked out on me saying "I can believe anyone I want" and so on and so forth. Then after that I went back to the person who was with him and asked them what happened that day and then asked him if my boyfriend cheated on me and he said no. I'm still really confused, but I really do believe my boyfriend. But now he's pissed off at me and I've apologized about a half a dozen times to him since last night.

Now when he calls me, hes all angry, and I dont know if it's because he's trying to look tough because he's with his friend or if its because he's still pissed off at me. I really don't want to loose him. I mean, its only been 2 months, yes, but I do really care about him. I don't know how I'm made the bad person for just wanting to talk to him about something that I thought was important. =[

I don't understand why things have to be so confusing and frustrating. I just wish I knew what he was thinking and I wish he would just listen. =/ Hopefully I get to see him Monday after he gets done work. At least then I'll know if everything is alright or not. =[

If your wondering why there is a random ass picture of a tattoo, this would be the tattoo that I want on my side. I'm adding a little more to it. I'm putting dying roses at the top of it and in the rose petals I'm gonna put peoples names in there that were close to me that have passed away. So its not like the tattoo is gonna be a pointless one that has no meaning like those stars on the hips.

Anyway. I have no idea what I'm doing this summer. I'm hoping my grandpop says yes to sending me to Washington on vacation for a week or two. I'm gonna be visiting my friend that lives over there. The thing is it has to be either before or after Warped tour in July and before Mayhem Fest in August. Hopefully its before all those. I really want to go and see him and get out of New Jersey. Theres only so much I can put up with and I've put up with a lot of shit this year and the past 6 years. I'm pretty fed up and need to get away.
Ant is supposed to come to Wildwood with me and my grandmom, but I still have to talk to her about it. She might say no but then again she might say yes because I'm 16 now. She probably will say no just because she doesn't trust me or even like the way I am because I'm "different". When she see's my boyfriend, maybe she'll understand that this is who I am and she's just gonna have to deal with it. TOUGH SHIT. ugh. I'm gonna go and chill, maybe watch some Madagascar 2. I'll post something later, Bye peoples♥